Picture this. You and your partner are on vacation at the top of a beautiful snow-covered mountain enjoying the view. As you’re talking, your partner makes an innocuous comment. However, you take it as a personal assault. Seemingly out of nowhere, you feel angry. You are triggered. You shut down and don’t want to talk. Your partner becomes frustrated and after a while, walks away. You feel like your vacation is ruined.
This is exactly what happened between my husband and me in Alberta, Canada. It also happened at my birthday celebration at a beautiful oceanside resort in Florida. And on vacation in Sedona, Arizona when I threw a snowball at him. And on Halloween when I playfully jumped out of my closet to scare him.
In fact, in the first years of dating, it happened a lot. I can’t even remember what those past conflicts were about. Sometimes it took days to be able to talk to each other again. What troubled me was that it didn’t matter where we were or what we were doing, we could detonate each other’s emotional triggers without even trying.
We were close to breaking up a number of times. Before that happened, we sought the help of a relationship counselor. Our work with her helped us understand the dynamics of our arguments. We found out that we’re never angry for the reason that we think we are. Rather, we have negative reactions to each other because of the emotional baggage we carry from the past. For example, the fact that I jumped out of my closet to scare my partner triggered a memory from his past that had been traumatic for him. He reacted based on that memory.
Are You “Trigger-Happy?”
Your relationships have an extraordinary way of uncovering what lies in your psyche, good or bad. Buried traumas from the past influence the way you react to situations today. When you have a dramatic reaction to something your partner says or does, you are in fact reacting to a painful event from your past which is hidden in your subconscious. You are reacting from the energy of your inner child who has been emotionally wounded.
For example, you and your loved one are at a special ice-cream store. You’ve been looking forward to this outing all week. You get your ice cream cones and sit down at a window booth. You’re enjoying a light-hearted conversation. Your partner playfully remarks, “You are sure eating fast!” Suddenly, the conversation takes a u-turn. You feel hurt and angry. Rather than responding back with something along the lines of, “I know, it’s so good I can’t stop!” your unconscious responds. It pulls up feelings you experienced as a child at a family gathering. While enjoying dinner with the whole family, your grandma said to you, “You sure are a fast eater! You look like a little piggie!” Your face turned red with embarrassment. You wanted to hide underneath the table so your relatives would stop looking at you.
That event was burned into your subconscious mind. So when your partner made a seemingly innocuous remark at the ice cream store, you felt embarrassed and ashamed. In response you may have become argumentative, shut down emotionally, or left the store.
Your partner didn’t know what he or she said that caused you to become angry. Your partner felt scared. Angry at themself. Now, he or she is triggered and unconsciously connects your reaction to their mother’s reactions to them. Their mother was an alcoholic. They never knew how she would react to something they said. They felt scared a lot because of her erratic reactions. They blamed themself for the upset. They developed low-self esteem and fear due to these episodes.
Your reaction has triggered your partner’s own wounded child. Their response is to withdraw from you. You ride home in silence. Until one of you pulls out of your child persona and “comes to” your adult self, silence prevails.
Unresolved triggers can make communication go round and round. It’s like a game
whack-a-mole, with your triggers popping up seemingly out of the blue. Triggers are a crucial reason why communication falls apart. If you’re having repetitive conflicts, there is something deeper at play.
How to Stop Arguments
Unhealed childhood issues compromise your adult functioning. If these issues are left unhealed, you’re in constant jeopardy of overreacting. With each of your deep issues being a silent presence in any conversation, it’s important to stay grounded when you feel triggered.
When your conversation gets heated and polarized it’s because you are triggered. When each partner in the relationship becomes aware of his or her triggers and is able to heal the emotional wounds that created the trigger, your relationship becomes more connective and less combative.
The best thing to do when you find yourself in the middle of conflict is to take a time-out. Rather than escalating the conversation, disengage from it. Let your partner know that you’ll come back to it when you are grounded. When you both regain your composure you can re-visit the issue. Then start the conversation with the attitude of understanding each other’s point of view. When each of you feel heard and understood, you’ll create an atmosphere of creative solutions that will be mutually satisfying.
Having repetitive conflict does not mean that you should leave the relationship. Being triggered doesn’t mean that your partner is the wrong person for you. It does mean that you both need to uncover your triggers and mend the wounds that caused them. The more healthy you are the more loving your relationship will be.
When you and your significant resolve the pain from the past, you’ll find yourself having more heart-to-heart conversations even when you disagree.
In Conclusion
Relationships can be loving and stable when you know your triggers and have a healthy way of managing them. The best way to stop letting them dictate your reactions is to heal the emotional wounds that are in your subconscious mind.
Next Steps…
You’re just a step away from getting the help you need to resolve your triggers. Sometimes you need a little help to see what’s getting of having a wonderful relationship. I can help you through safe and confidential coaching sessions that uplift and inspire you. I would love to hear from you! Contact me at (512) 922-4822 or buildlovingrelationships.com or email me at truelovecoach@gmail.com. Or use the button below.
